Who Needs Rehab, When You Have Ghosts?
by pupeez4eva
Summary: The ghosts of drug-users past, present and future - all who look suspiciously like members of the BAU - visit Reid one night and attempt to show him the errors of his ways. They all fail horribly.


"Are you a hallucination?" Reid asked, for the tenth time that night (yes, he'd kept track).

"For the millionth time" the ghostly Morgan-look-alike ground out. _"No."_

"You look like Morgan" Reid blinked. "But you can't be, because Morgan isn't dead. At least, I don't think he is - you know, I feel like I should be more afraid. Hallucinations are a sign of schizophrenia. But this is actually kind of cool. Who knew schizophrenia could be so cool?"

"For the last time" Ghost-Morgan ground out. "I'm not a hallucination - and you are not schizophrenic."

"Of course you would say that" Reid retorted.

Ghost-Morgan inhaled deeply. "Look. I'm not a hallucination. I'm a ghost -"

"Morgans not dead" Reid interrupted.

"Okay look I'm not Morgan, okay? You're the genius, you figure this out! I took on this form to make you more comfortable - would you prefer if I showed you how I _really _look? Because I can assure you, it won't be pretty!"

Reid blinked. "Did you just insult yourself?"

"No!" cried Ghost-Morgan. "Look, can we just get this over and done with? All I have to do is give you a little trip to the past, and then we can call it a night!"

"Kind of pointless" Reid replied. "I have an eidetic memory. I remember every event that ever happened. You're wasting your time."

"Try telling that to my boss" retorted Ghost-Morgan. "Come on, let's make this quick."

And then, Reid's bedroom dissolved away and they found themselves standing in a completely different location.

"I'd rather go to sleep" Reid said. "I'm kind of tired, and I have a big day ahead of me -"

"Shut up" snapped Ghost-Morgan. "I'm trying to help you here! I am the Ghost of Drug-Users-Past...this is supposed to help you get over your dilaudid addiction!"

Reid gave him an odd look. "How is watching my parents have sex meant to help me with my drug addiction?"

Ghost-Morgan blinked. He hurried over to stand next to Reid. His jaw dropped open.

"What the _hell?" _he exclaimed.

"Maybe you were trying to show me an event before my father left?" Reid suggested. "Which is great and all, except you kind of picked the wrong one."

"This wasn't what I was aiming for" Ghost-Morgan muttered, looking flustered. "Come on, Kid, let's get out of here."

There was a flash of light and the room dissolved. Suddenly Reid and Ghost-Morgan were standing somewhere else.

"My old maths teacher and science teacher" Reid said, squinting in disbelief. "I don't know if this is better or worse."

"What the hell is wrong with me today?" snarled Ghost-Morgan.

"Lack of sex?" Reid suggested.

"I usually have way more control!" he continued, ignoring Reid. "I'm trying to get us to the Hankel situation -"

"The _Hankel_ situation_?" _Reid repeated, incredulously. "Take me anywhere near there and I _will _punch you!"

"I didn't sign up for this" Ghost-Morgan groaned. "That's it. I'm going to let the Ghost of Drug-Users-Present to deal with you. I'm outta here."

"You will take me home first, right?" Reid's brow furrowed with apprehension.

A moment later he was back in his own bed.

"Thank god" he muttered, cuddling up in his blankets. He'd changed his mind; hallucinations were _not _cool, even if they were of Morgan-as-a-ghost. Especially if they ended up giving him new found memories of his parents having sex. Who the _hell _showed a person with an _eidetic memory _something like that?

"Woooooow, look at me, I look so good!" exclaimed a new voice. Reid wrenched his eyes open.

When he saw what was standing in front of him, he screamed.

"Hey, sweetie, calm down, it's just me!"

"That can't be normal!" Reid squeaked, staring in horror at the _thing _in front of him. The _thing _that was half of Garcia and half of JJ...literally...

"I think I'm going to be sick" Reid groaned.

"Not on me please" the JJ half of the thing exclaimed. "I just got my hair done."

Reid whimpered.

"Honey, why are you so scared?" the Garcia-half asked.

"I _told _you he'd prefer it if it was just me!" the JJ-half complained.

"What's wrong with me?" the Garcia-half retorted.

"I think I'm going crazy" Reid moaned, and for the first time that night, he actually felt afraid.

"Honey, we aren't trying to scare you!" the Garcia-half soothed. "We both wanted the job so we decided that this was the best way to do it!"

"Splitting yourself in half was the best way to do it?" Reid exclaimed, incredulously.

"Well it was better than the alternative" the Garcia-half replied, cheerfully. "So!" she clapped her hands. "Shall I do the introductions? I am the brilliant Ghost of Drug-Users Present -"

The JJ-half coughed.

"Okay, _we _are the Ghosts of Drug-Users Present" the Garcia-half ground out. "We are going to take you on a trip through current times, and show you exactly what your _deadly _habit is doing to your friends!"

Reid stared. "You know, Ghost-Morgan already tried this. It didn't work."

The room dissolved.

Suddenly Reid was standing in a completely different location, still dressed in his pyjamas. The horrific mess that was the Garcia-JJ-Ghost stood next to him, both halves grinning proudly.

The smiles fell away when they realized what they were seeing.

"Holy shit" breathed the Garcia-half. "Who knew Hotch had it in him."

"Forget Hotch" the JJ-half exclaimed. "Check out _Haley. _Geez, we now know who has the balls in that relationship!"

"Um" Reid averted his eyes, a blush spreading across his cheeks. "Are you ghosts all sex deprived or something?"

"Huh?" the Garcia-half blinked. "Oh no honey, that's just you."

"Oh my god" breathed the JJ-half. "I hope someday I'll find a man who will do that for me."

"JJ" the Garcia-half said. "Do you think, maybe, we should get our lovable Junior G-Man out of here before his innocence is tarnished?"

"Hmm" the JJ-half blinked, and tore her eyes away from the scene. "Oh, uh, sure...let's go..." her eyes drifted back. "Oh my _god..." _she sighed.

The room dissolved.

"That's Gideon" Reid observed. "What's he doing?"

The man was bent over what looked to be a CD player - yes it was. Reid could see more clearly now that he had leaned back. The older man smiled in satisfaction and suddenly music blared through the kitchen.

_Heavy Metal _Music.

Reid winced at the sound. He's eyes grew even wider as Gideon began to sing along, his head moving wildly to the beat.

"Can we please go?" Reid begged. "Before you ruin the image I have of Gideon for ever?"

"Ooooh" the JJ-half's eyes widened, and she leaned forward excitedly. "What sort of image do you have of him?"

Reid's face crinkled with disgust. "You know, you're like a sicker, more twisted version of JJ" he said, backing away slowly.

"Can we get out of here before the really bad screamo starts?" the Garcia-half asked.

The room dissolved.

"This really isn't helping" Reid said. "Can I just go home?"

"We have to help you" the Garcia-half replied, sounding determined.

"You forever ruined my image of Gideon" Reid sounded pained. "And I will never look at Hotch the same way again. Isn't that enough?"

"We're just trying to -"

"To help, I know" Reid snapped. "But if anything, all this is enough to make me overdose!"

The Garcia-JJ-Thing stared at him, both halves blinking simultaneously.

"I think that might just cost us our jobs" the JJ-half observed. "Garcia...what should we do about this?"

"I don't know" sighed the Garcia-half. "This was never in the hand book. The only reason I even became the Ghost of Drug-Users Present was because their usually more mellowed out by now. This guys a nightmare."

"Have you looked in a mirror lately?" Reid said, incredulously.

"Can we just take him home?" the JJ-half sighed. "I have a facial booked for tomorrow morning, and I need to be well rested."

The Garcia-half sighed.

"I need a new job" she groaned. "I can't believe we didn't get _anything _from this!"

"It's the middle of the night" Reid shrugged his shoulders. "What did you expect?"

A moment later the room dissolved. The JJ-Garcia-Thing disappeared, and Reid was back in his own bed. He didn't relax into his blankets and attempt to fall asleep this time; he sighed and sat still, and awaited the Ghost of Drug-Users Future, that he was sure was coming.

A moment later he was proven right.

"I am the Ghost of Drug-Users -"

"- Future" Reid cut the deep, almost-echoing voice off. "Yeah I know. Hey Hotch."

Ghost-Hotch's shoulders slumped. "That was my big announcement" he grumbled. He cleared his throat, and in a louder voice, said; "I am not Aaron Hotchner. I am the -"

"Yeah I know" Reid cut in. "Can we get this over with?"

Hotch frowned at him. "Strange" he muttered.

A moment later the room dissolved.

The next thing he knew, Reid was standing in meeting room at the BAU. The team was seated around the table; well most of them, anyway. Reid couldn't see Gideon anywhere - maybe his heavy-metal ways had gotten the better of him.

"I want you to take a look at the scene below you" Ghost-Hotch said, coldly. "And see what you have done to your team -"

His voice cut off as the door open and an older looking Reid strode through. Reid was disappointed to see that he actually didn't look that different, other than the new short, scruffy hair.

"There he is!" exclaimed Morgan, looking extremely enthusiastic as he waved him over.

"Good on you, Reid" Emily grinned.

"Reid" Hotch (the real Hotch, not the ghost) gave him a rare smile. "Your work on this case was outstanding. Some of your best work, I have to say."

"I brought champagne" said an elderly man, who Reid had never met before.

Ghost-Hotch stared. "I don't understand..." he murmured. "How have they not noticed that you've been struggling with a drug addiction for the past however-many years? _No one _can be _that _unobservant..."

"That's because I haven't been" Reid replied, tearing his eyes away from the scene and facing Ghost-Hotch. "I gave up dialudid about a month ago."

Ghost-Hotch stared.

"...What?" he choked.

"I gave up dialudid about a month ago" Reid repeated. "So you know, you're a bit late."

Hotch shook his head. "No, no, that can't be right..." he pulled a book out from the pocket of his coat - a small diary - and began to flip frantically through it.

"Goddammit!" he cursed. "I put it under the wrong date - this was meant for last month!"

"I told you" Reid smiled.

"Well why didn't you say something sooner?" Hotch spat. "You could have saved us a lot of time!"

Reid shrugged. "Well, despite all the horrible sex and scarring images, this was actually kind of cool. Plus, I wanted to see how I looked in the future."

Ghost-Hotch stared at him for a long moment.

"...You realise I could lose my job for this, right?"

Reid shrugged. "I liked you better on the BAU."

"I'm not really Aaron Hotchner!" yelled Ghost-Hotch. "I am the Ghost of Drug-Users Future, and I worked my ass off for this job! Fifteen years - that's how long it took. _Fifteen frickin years!"_

Reid blinked. "Wow" he murmured. "I don't think I ever heard Hotch swear before."

Ghost-Hotch let out a shuddering breath. "Damn job" he breathed. "I knew I should have started a one-man tuba band when I had the chance!"

"Can I go home now?" Reid asked, yawning slightly. "I have a big day tomorrow, and I should catch up on my sleep. Do you know that the average adult needs at least -"

"Alright" Hotch cut him off. "I'll take you home; since you obviously don't care for my plight, there's no point keeping you around." He scowled.

A moment later the room dissolved, and then Reid was once again standing in his bedroom. Ghost-Hotch was gone.

"Hotch in a one-man tuba band…" Reid murmured, thoughtfully. "Now that's something I'd like to see."

With a loud yawn he stretched and curled up into bed, falling asleep almost immediately.

His night was uninterrupted after that and Reid came to the conclusion that maybe it was all a whacky dream that his sleep-deprived mind had created. This thought was soon crushed as soon as he arrived at work the next day and caught sight of barely visible hickey on Hotch's neck, and the suspicious-looking CD's Gideon was attempt to sneak into his office.


End file.
